How Do You Know If You're A Real Miamian?
Ever notice how New Yorkers have such strong opinions about
what makes a person a "real" New Yorker? (The answer: you have strong
opinions about what makes one a real New Yorker.) The phrase "Real New
Yorker" has 802,000 Google
results. The phrase "Real Miamian" nets
just 347 results.
We're a transient, melting pot of a city, sure, and it's
hard to define our people, but we thought we'd try to establish some basic
requirements for 305 realness. Take our test to find out if you're a "real
Miamian." Don't take it too seriously though. No real Miamian would.
It's pretty simple. For each bullet point that applies to
you, go ahead and give yourself a point.
·
Hearing the words "palmetto" and
"dolphin" in the same sentence does not conjure up a scene of a
tranquil paradise in your head, but rather one of traffic horror.
·
"Lights! Food! Rides! And so much
more!" makes you think of the holidays more than "Jingle Bells."
·
Not only are you aware that places like Naranja,
Redland, Ojus and Country Walk exist, but you can give general directions to
get to those places.
·
You use your horn more than your turn signal.
·
Whether you started out as a Spanish speaker or
an English speaker, you're now proficient in Spanglish.
·
You either were or remember seeing someone
visibly upset the day Celia Cruz died.
·
You've got a Dan Marino jersey you still rock,
of course, but somewhere deep in the back of your closet resides either a
Fielder, Harrington, Culpepper, Rosenfels, Frerotte, Green, Beck, Pennington,
or Henne jersey.
·
You own more flip flops, excuse us, chancletas,
than coats.
·
You've owned either vinyl, cassette, CD or
digital copies of Nice & Wild's "Diamond Girl," Debbie Deb's
"Lookout Weekend" and Stevie B's "Spring Love."
·
Starting times are just suggestions, and you
never get to an event or party within an hour of the actual kick off.
·
You've bought seafood or meat out of a car
trunk.
·
You're asked "Where are you from?"
within a minute of meeting someone, or you're doing the asking.
"Here" is never a valid answer.
·
$7 for a well drink seems pretty damn cheap to
you.
·
You have no idea what a yellow light means.
·
There are people living on your street or in
your complex that you've never meet, but yet you know all their favorite salsa
tunes because they blast the stereo so loudly.
·
You've voted for someone who is now behind bars,
removed from office or resigned in disgrace ... multiple times.
·
There was a time in your life when leaving
clubs, bars, or parties after 3 a.m. on a weekday and still showing up to work
the next day was a regular occurrence.
·
Sitting at a red light means ignoring someone
either trying to ask you for money or selling you something.
·
You've recognized a random person out in public
who's acted for one of our many fine Internet porn companies.
·
When a hurricane comes, preparing for a party
and preparing for an actual disaster go hand-in-hand.
·
You use the terms "bro" and
"guy" all the time, but never, ever "dude."
·
You visit New York City and are the only tourist
who actually thinks the locals are polite.
·
Watching football is a good way to find out what
some of your former classmates are up to.
·
You get offended when people call Miami sports
fans bandwagoners. Sure, you've only gone to like three games in the past
decade, if any at all, but you watch the Heat, Dolphins, Marlins and Hurricanes
on TV all the time.
·
You consider a 5'10" man tall.
·
You've passed by the taping of a reality TV show
or telenovela.
·
You have strong opinions about the art of
Britto.
·
Going out on South Beach is a last resort.
"Really, you're sure there's nothing going on closer to home? How about
downtown? No one's having a house party? Jeez, OK, I guess we'll go out to
South Beach if we have to."
·
Broward County legitimately feels like a foreign
country. It might as well be in Canada.
·
Viewing art is not considered a sober activity.
·
You've freaked out enough out-of-towners by
trying to show them your favorite places around town that now you know you're
just better dropping them off at Bayside and directing them to the Chili's.
·
If you wind up drunk at a tattoo shop, there's a
good chance you'll walk out with a "305" tattoo, assuming you don't
already have one.
·
You wouldn't even notice if all the Starbucks
shut down. They don't have cafecitos anyway.
·
You're familiar with the beggars in the
neighborhoods you frequent.
·
You can't remember the last time you voluntarily
went anywhere on Ocean Drive.
·
You've used the bathrooms at Churchill's Pub
multiple times and lived to tell about it.
·
When a new restaurant or club opens, you often
say, "Oh yeah, that used to be called ... and before that it was ..."
·
Out-of-towners just assume you know where to buy
coke.
·
Any old man with a beard and a track suit
reminds you instantly of Fidel Castro.
·
You still judge people based on which local high
school they went to.
How'd
You Score?
0 points - You live in Boston. Why did you read this?
1 to 4 points - Did you just move here for a job and are
trying to impress your bosses by working 80 hours weeks? Get out and absorb the
local culture some.
5 to 9 points - Congratulations on purchasing one of our
many foreclosed upon condos as a vacation home, but you're not quite a Miamian.
10 to 15 points - You've reached the bare minimum of
"Miamian" status. You can now tell people from outside of Miami that
you're a Miamian.
16 to 20 points - Some born-and-raised types may still
scoff, but go ahead and wear that Miamian status with pride. Someone has to.
21 to 30 points - If you weren't actually born here, you've
definitely been reborn here in one way or another.
31 to 40 points - Watch out Pitbull, there's a new Mr. or
Ms. 305.
Source
: Written by Kyle Munzenrieder of
the Miami New Times…
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